Crystal Ball Predictions for 2021

I know for sure any New Year’s Resolutions I make are bound to be broken, but predictions? I may be the next Nostradamus! Call it what you may: prophesy, prognostications, predictions, forecasts, soothsaying–Here it is, everything I see in the crystal ball for 2021.

Crystal Ball Prognostication Diviner

As bad as 2020 was for most of us, there were a few good things. It all started off well! But it sure did take a turn for the worst, eh? We are all hoping 2021 will be a banner year. It always depends on your point of view.

1. We all think we will lose weight in 2021, but in fact we will gain! Because we will be eating, drinking and festooning (Is that a word? I just created it, so it must be. Picture fat renaissance women, scantily clad, acting like cupids, looping pink ribbons from lampshades to chandeliers) together. It will be fat happiness.
2. Pickleball courts will be crowded with angry players waiting their turns, grumbling about how it wasn’t this way in 2020, and wondering where all the new players are coming from–they will be coming from pre-2020, a time when tennis players said they would never lower themselves to playing pickleball, and then realizing there is nothing else to do.
3. Bars and pubs (indoor and out) will be overflowing, but overall liquor sales will be down due to fewer people drinking home alone in their underwear with no plans to socialize.
4. Home deliveries will continue to skyrocket as people realize how nice it is to stay in their pajamas (or in severe cases, underwear) and still get fresh fruit and useless eBay trinkets delivered with minimal effort.
5. Melania dumps Trump on January 21.
6. After becoming Trump’s political fundraiser and public relations manager, Kimberly Guilfoyle dumps Trump Jr. and marries The Donald, shouting her vows to an empty stadium.
7. The Trump Mega-Church of the Triumphant Followers (built from the Save Trump political fund) will hold their grand opening with our Savior Trump giving a three-hour inaugural speech and Sister Kimberly Guilfoyle (who will be Savior Trump’s fourth wife) serving Kool-Aid to the faithful followers. It will all be televised, so no need to change out of your jammies into real clothes, but you might change your underwear so when they find you after drinking the Kool-Aid it won’t be an embarrassment to your family.
8. The Corona Virus continues to kill thousands into the late spring, when the vaccine finally reaches the panhandle of Idaho, where Proud Boy members line up thinking they are getting Kool-Aid shots rather than vaccination shots.
9. A kindergarten boy refers to President Biden’s wife as Doctor Biden, enraging members of the Red Party, which spawns a faction promoting a law to make it illegal for a woman to out rank a man which obviously confuses little kindergarteners and ego-threatened honorary doctorates.
10. The Red Party is revealed as the true Communist/Socialist party, promoting fascist propaganda supporting laws that would make the next Red President a dictator, just before their heads start exploding around the Senate and House floors. This outrages the janitorial staff who have to clean up the mess, but due to election fraud concerns, the janitors’ reward (or penance, depending on your point of view) is being appointed to fill the vacated seats. They balance the budget, vote into law term limits, and they retroactively rescind pay raises and the special health care insurance for legislators.
11. Airlines, buses and trains, in order to make up for lost revenues and with distancing rules eliminated, begin booking two people per seat. The plan is a huge success, resulting in an increase in divorces and marriages (depending on who was on top) and a complete bounce back to pre-Covid profits.
12. Children and working adults are diagnosed with a new form of anxiety know as COVID-Cyberphobia Owing to Virus Isolation Disorder. Cyberphobia (fear of computers) was previously only found in adults over the age of 65. Individuals with this disorder are often said to “have COVID” thereby offsetting the gains made by the vaccine to the overall number of people “with COVID”. The government requires continued use of face masks, and issues every man, woman and child Blue Blocker eye glasses. It is found later that Hunter Biden is on the Blue Blocker board of directors. Dr. Anthony Fauci is seen wearing Blue Blockers at the annual Easter Egg Hunt, encouraging everyone to do the same.

In 12 months, let’s get back together and see how prescient I am. (I had to look that up, too). I hope to amaze you, my reader, but also prepare you for the year to come. We aren’t out of the woods yet!